Lets get honest, refresh and re motivate.

Its amazing how time moves forward with no regard for those of us who make plans and try to do it all. It seems that in a blink of an eye, Summer came and went leaving us with a new September start. Between back to school, weddings and everyday life I woke up this morning with a scary realization that its already October. I love all things Fall especially the changing of the seasons and Halloween. Aside, from my love for this time of year, I've been noticing that recently something has been happening. My motivation and self esteem for running was vanishing. Flash back to last week. After work I found myself in the parkway getting ready for a run. Hans was going to show me his 5miler loop and I started out happily next to him. Somewhere along the route, I started to bash myself. I told myself I wasn't good enough, fast enough or worthy enough to be out there. My inner thoughts that should have been uplifting were horribly miserable and depressing. I was letting doubt creep in. Its a scary thing, running. Its just you against yourself and if you let the doubt it, it can go down hill quickly. I tried to push it out, and ignore it but I let it in and it was too late. I started to cry, which while running makes it hard to breathe. I stopped, and  sobbed on the side of the river. High school track teams passed in horror, sneaking glances at the psycho having a nervous breakdown on the side of the path. Friendly couples kept their distance and urged their dogs to stay by their sides to not get too close to the crazy crying woman that was before them. Hans   came back for me. I could tell by the look on his face that he was disappointed. I hate letting people down, and I hate putting pressure on myself. So here I was, crying for no good reason except that I thought I wasn't good enough. I let doubt in and had the nerve to believe my negative thoughts to the point that I stopped running. I yelled at Hans and told him to leave me alone, which he did. I cried some more, ran for a while and then got angry when it started to rain. It was far from a  good day. In fact, it was most likely the worst day of running I've historically had. So why even re hash it? Somehow somewhere along the way, Ive lost faith in myself and the real reason that I am running. In two weeks I am running 13.1 miles. I need all the faith and motivation I can get. Not too far from now, it will be 26.2. Its going to be me against myself out there. Nothing but Jackie. I am using this breakdown as a step to get back out, back up and keep going. Recently, my good friend Melissa got married and I had the pleasure of being in the wedding party. As a gift, we each received a necklace with a word from the dictionary. Mine was motivation. It couldn't have come at a better time. When I wear it, I feel stronger and it is a gentle reminder that I am blessed to have amazing family and friends that support me. They want me to succeed and make it to the finish. It couldn't have come at a better time.  Tonight, I am downloading new running songs and hitting it hard this week. Time to dig deep, find that motivation. ( oh and no more crying in public)